[ Love & Relationships ❤👑]
It’s ok not to allow yourself to settle to make someone else happiness come true.You shouldn’t just sign up for what comes along in fear of being alone. This year has been that year – fighting through the fears and not allowing myself to settle. It has also been the year of letting go of things i’ve held onto that didn’t belong to me. YES, 30 is fastly approaching but that doesn’t make me any more weary than I was at 25. Yes, some of my friends are in different areas than I am. The space I occupy has a uniqueness for my journey. The relationships I make should be meaningful to my purpose. I don’t have time to waste time. AGAIN, I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WASTE.It’s ok to get know someone and realize that …”no, this will never work. We’re on two, different planets”. Something/Someone better will come along.
Saying no to a certain relationship/friendship doesn’t make you any less than who you are. AND No, you’re standards aren’t too high. Some people simply won’t see your worth. Stay calm and hold on ….all that you deserve is coming to you.
You’re worthy of it all.
I have this ache in my heart again.
An ache I haven’t experienced in 5 years.
I simply wish you were here with me.
To reassure me that everything is going to be ok. That this season of change is doable. While this season of unknown is scary , I can do it. That’s it’s important for the other side of my journey. That you’re ok. And that that I’m not loosing you. You’re more than a faded memory and a repeat video .You’re a sound , my heart beat , that resonates deep with in me. My memories are working overtime to keep you there. Every little minute moment. They’re important . You’re important. I wish our puzzle was still altogether.
I’m not sure how I feel about different pieces come into play. I’m not sure if I’m ready. I’m still trying to pick up the peices that scattered. But this change is inevitable. I just wish my feelings didn’t hold any power. Because if I say how I feel, I’m sure it’ll ruin a good thing . And that’s not fair to life or the future. So what am I supposed to due with this discomfort. .pretend it’s all ok ?!…..is it going to be this way everytime ? My marriage ?fight with a husband ?first baby ?first house ?true love moment ? I sure hope not but what I will promise it that I will keep you here in the present .I will honor you still. Do the growing pains of grief ever stop ?
Deep breathes through and through.
I’ve been in a rut. Now usually a rut is something you’ve stuck yourself in. Something you’ve said or a choice you’ve made has pushed you between a rock and a hard place. Some kind of way you manage to get yourself out. Not me. I’ve manage to build a cage permanently lodged in that place.
Two .whole.years. Of brain fog. Rock and hard place. Physically and mentally.
BUT……In the blink of an eye things become renewed , life comes full circle and my heart begins to dream again. 🙂 Think big dreams. Doors only my Yahweh can open. faith the size of a million mustard seeds kind of dreams. Forgot walking on water, I’m talking space walking faith.
2016 has been a crazy and challenging chaotic year ( yes, all 28 days !!!). In the midst of it all ,lies a small piece of clarity .I’m determine to cling to it and never let it go. I’m literally holding the pot of gold in hands. So no matter how tough todays are, my response and determination will prepare my tomorrows .
I could definitely use one tonight. For her to tell me if I’m doing ok, to encourage me in ways only mommas can. So I’ll visit the sweet memories and find my solace there. Maybe they’ll create that warmth that I’m missing. Maybe just maybe.
It’s ok pattie, you’re ok.
To be the best version of myself to be.
To put Yahweh and my husband first .
To be the best wife and mother I can be.
To fufill the purpose he has for me.
To love people unconditionally.
To see others as Christ sees them.
To love often and judge less.
I’ve always wondered in Queen Elizabeth ever wanted to take off her crown ? Like really , take it off and whoop somebody . Just for one second, if she could descend from her throne and really let people know how where they can take their can and shove it.
I had a moment recently where I wanted to remove my crown. I did – I am human too. I experience disappointment too. It’s really hard when your crown feels heavy and your standards are too high.Sometimes I wonder if people see my crown as I do or do they see a crown of thornes? I jokely told my co-heart mom that I was going to lower my standards and in great mama fashion, she said “no”.
One day my King will manifest and he will see my crown for who she is. He will not ask me to remove any piece because he will understand the weight and value she carries . He will recognize that she is adorn with the finest jewelry and not everyone get a glimpse of her.
So that day, I stood up tall and held my head high because I caught my crown from slipping . She lost focus on her beauty and begin to realize the weight of it.
Now she well adjusted and testing calm because she knows her place.
She’s well deserved and loved.
Smile and wave ladies , smile and wave.
It’s August already?! 2015 is almost gone ?!?!?!?! I think I went asleep somewhere between March and June.
I’m bringing some changes on here and I hope you enjoy them.I want this blog to evolve and change with me and you. The truth is I don’t want to put a pressure on my writings, but I do want to be more consistent with you.With that being said, going forward for the rest of year , I will bring a weekly blog to you on Sundays at 9 pm CST .Grief is only a small piece of who I am and I’m only 1/4 of the journey.
Please stay tune ! I have some great things planned for us ! Maybe even a possible giveaway or two !
The hardest task of my life was writing my mother’s obituary. How do I define her? She’s so much more than a dash between 1964 and 2011. It’s so complex and difficult to truly capture the significance of human life on paper. I felt as if there would be shortcomings. I wouldn’t be able to get you to see what I saw. At the time, I wish I could open my heart and show you a glimpse. Even if you caught a small inkling of her then I would have succeeded. Every time I thought I was. ready to jump off the boat, my Aunt Reba and Janet three me a lifeline.
This is how it would become.
In those darkest moments where you feel like giving up, someone or something will come along and give you a what you need to move past it.What we have to do is allow others to help us. It’s very easy to make grief an isolated moment. It’s not. It’s very easy to stay in misery. Don’t do it. No matter how comfortable you become with the grief process. Your loved one is more than a dash and a tombstone. While. I may not ever know , you know what they meant you. I celebrate and rejoice that they live on within you. We’re not in thing alone.
Thank you for reading my blogs. I really appreciate it when you read to the end of two page paper 🙂 Could you imagine a conversation ?! Please take a moment this week and listen to the beautiful piece of music linked below. If my mother was a beautiful composition of notes, her name would be “Night Vision” and the album would be “Acquainted with the Night “by Pieces of a Dream. This peice of music , that used to play idle in the background of our lives, now became my connection to her. If I listen to that piece of music today, something swells within in me. It’s my mother singing to me.
Pieces of a Dream – ” Night Vison
I was trying to come up with a catchy post following up my last blog. I owe it to you not to leave you in a state of sorrow. In all honesty, my goal wasn’t to make anyone sad. I hope that I didn’t stir up too much old memories of whatever season you’re going through at this moment. I do hope you were able to sense and connect a piece of my story with yours. I hope somewhere along the way, our journey intertwine and we’re able to see that we’re related in more ways than one. I hope you don’t see the misery, and while it loves company, I hope it becomes company of faith and moving forward.
So to go forward, let’s go back to the week following my mother’s passing.
It was a strange time. I know I say that a lot, but I cannot imagine another word to accurately interpret my thoughts at the time. We were immediately thrusted into a weird a spotlight. It’s the type of creepy spotlight that comes along with death. That one where tragedy brings out a wave people. People who want to help you cope and people who want to watch you grieve. People who make your tragedy their own and people who use your grief as their platform. I just wanted everything to be normal. I felt as if I was in a weird twilight dream. Somebody, anybody wake me up! Tell that life wasn’t playing a cruel joke on me.
The days after are still so clear to me. I couldn’t even tell you what I ate for breakfast last week, let alone, remember something from 4 years ago. Maybe it was at those moments, I begin to change into a different person. Maybe it was because those first couple of days became a silent, black/white filmed trapped in my dreams. It would be those moments that I would constantly relive in the weeks to come.
It was the outpouring of love that sustained us.
My grandmother, aunt, and cousin was the first of family to arrive. Our house became a constant flow of church family members. Nothing says we’re with and love you like food in the south. By the end of the night, our house was full of stuff. We’re so over overwhelmed by the people who saw us in our weakness. We were amazed on how we were covered and protected in that weakness. I cried when people showed up and I cried when people left our home. I remember thinking I wish I could give all your stuff back and give me my momma ! Because you feel that way. You do. No amount of attention of new things replaces that void.